The House of Oropher's TRAUMATIC, ANGSTFILLED PAST
by your.daily.dose.of.fanfic
Summary: Are you planning on writing angsty Fanfiction about a certain clan of blonds but don't know how to start torturing them? Well, never fear! This magnificent volume will tell you everything you would possibly want to know about the most tormented, abused and tortured family in the history of Fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N:_

_Something one of my readers said a million billion years ago gave me the idea to do a parody on this so, here it is. I'm also writing this as a little present to my readers and reviewers for giving me over 100 reviews on my other parody. HUZZAH!_

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**THE DEFINITIVE ACCOUNT OF THE HOUSE OF OROPHER'S TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST(!)**

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Ah, everyone's favourite dysfunctional family! Either you love them, or you love to hate them. For some reason, the sadistic authors of Fanfiction seem to take pleasure in throwing every single tragic event they can think of at them, and see just how long a story, where there is literally nothing but gratuitous torture, can be dragged on for. Nearly every single FanFiction written about this family plays out like a melodramatic telenovela minus the _español_. You have a cast of dynamic and somewhat-schizophrenic characters, all of whom have personalities that change from "average suburban dad" to "Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte" to "child-abusing-tyrant-Nazi-Hitler-Nazi" in a span of literally five seconds.

But what made them like that? Fanfiction authors agree that this may have had something to do with the family's TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST (the one that may or may not exist). Many people have attempted to write accounts of the family's TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST but due to their half-assed attempts at research, innocent readers are unable tell the difference between the real, historical truth, and what is fake and gay. Never fear, for I and a team of myself have done extensive, full-assed research into the family's eventful and TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST. Everything described here is guaranteed to be 100% fact (*_with a 100% margin of error_) so you will get full value for your money compared to what you would normally get from the other knockoff brands available on the shelf.

So, sit down and prepare yourself for a tale filled with Action! Comedy! Drama! Intrigue! Lies! Murder! Romance! Family! Trauma! and Angst! about clearly the most dysfunctional family in Middle Earth, the House of Oropher.

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_A note from the publisher:  
If you, for some reason, have any complaints about your purchase and would like a refund, kindly head over to our customer service department located in the fires of Mount Doom. A firing squad will be with you shortly._


	2. Humble Beginnings

_A/N:_

_Now, I have never read 'The Silmarillion', 'Children of Hurin' or any of that other fun stuff so it may seem that I am at a disadvantage here. But never fear, my friends, for this is not so! All this means is that I can write somewhat accurate parodies of the Fanfiction that has been written about this apparently ill-fated family, instead of inserting any of my views on them from the actual source material. So technically, I'd be doing much more research than someone who has actually read the books.  
_

_I am dedicated to this shit, people. DEDICATED._

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**HUMBLE BEGINNINGS**

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Okay, so once upon a time, there lived a pretty average guy- or _elf_ rather- named Oropher, who lived in a shitty apartment in the inner city area of some place called Doriath. Suddenly, we find out despite him being inherently awesome, Oropher's life is actually much less awesome than he is. He was currently unemployed (as a result of the Doriath economic crisis the previous year), his wife was consistently nagging him about being unemployed, and the rent was just too damn high. To make matters worse, everyone else from the year 3469 First Age graduating class had high-paying jobs, and would make it a point to visit poor Oropher in his inner city apartment everyday and brag about how well they were doing just to make him feel bad. And every time this happened, he would cry in the corner, and his wife would always have to stop washing the dishes/cleaning the house/cooking just to comfort him.

Eventually, Oropher figures out that everyone is being mean to him because he doesn't have a job (took him long enough), and that it is high time to stop this shit.

_[Insert Rocky montage of Oropher going to various places and handing in resumes to various places like Burger King and Tesco]_

Unfortunately, Rocky seemed to have achieved more from his montage than Oropher did because things for him don't go exactly as planned, and he receives a million billion rejection letters which cause him to, once again, cry in the corner while his wife stops washing the dishes/cleaning the house/cooking just to comfort him because of how TRAUMATIC AND ANGST-FILLED his life had become. This experience may not sound like something that could be a part of someone's TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST but trust Fanfiction authors when they say that it can be. It doesn't actually matter because TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED things will happen to him in the future anyway.

_[Insert description of Oropher crying in the fetal position and a minstrel suddenly bursting into his living room and playing sad violin music in the background] _

It is magically a few weeks later and Oropher, having finally gotten over the harrowing ordeal of being rejected by Burger King, is now sitting at the breakfast table, reading the newspaper, and drinking cheap instant coffee (which is probably made from cat). Anyway, he turns to the back of the newspaper and sees that there is a job opening as a scribe at the house/palace/place of residence of some guy named King Thimble (or something along the lines of that). Although being a scribe sounds like the most boring job ever (next to working customer service for a paperclip factory), Oropher sees his chance of employment and runs to Thimble's house/palace/place of residence in order to apply.

He arrives 5 seconds later and Thimble magically appears to give him a job interview. Thimble asks p a few questions (_"Do you have your pen license?"_) which Oropher answers so brilliantly and flawlessly that Thimble literally falls over in amazement, and he hires him straight away. Hooray!

After jumping for joy and hugging/kissing/proclaiming his undying love for Thimble, the first thing Oropher does is run straight to the house of every single person from the class of 3469 First Age, and proceeds to taunt/gloat/cuss out/moon/respectfully inform them. Then he runs back home to tell his wife (who is probably wondering where the hell he ran off to in the first place) that she can finally stop nagging him about his unemployment. They both hug, crack open a bottle champagne, celebrate _blah blah blah_ and coincidentally, his wife gets knocked up.

_[Insert mandatory and gratuitous description of graphic wife-knocking-up action, including a part about the minstrel awkwardly trying to sneak out of the apartment]_

A couple of weeks pass by and Oropher is starting off great at work, which is surprising since his work pretty much involves just being a human/elf photocopier. Despite this, he copies every single manuscript, book, and spam letter from a Nigerian prince with such enthusiasm and flawlessness that everyone at his workplace, including Thimble, realise how awesomely awesome Oropher is and they all hail him as the most awesomely awesome elf who ever awesomed.

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_A/N:_

_If any Tolkien purists are out there saying "OMFG, THAT DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS", it's not my fault. I'm just writing a parody on whatever the hell everyone else is writing. Blame them. But please, feel free to leave me some random "DID YOU KNOW?"'s if you really feel that you must vent your anger and frustration at any possible canon rape that may or may not be here. I am available 24/7 for any counseling sessions should you, in any case, be overly disturbed.  
_


End file.
